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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and compelling myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward improvement.